i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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