i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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