I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
