my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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