if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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