I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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