why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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