alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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