Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Randomize