I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I cut my penus on the lid.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
