i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
