You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
And then he peed in my hair
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