3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
