k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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