Your face is a jimmy john
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
