saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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