So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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