Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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