the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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