And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
