Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
