and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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