That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
