Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
