i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
