i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
