Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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