I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
