Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
