Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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