Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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