honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
