I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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