FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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