that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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