I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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