Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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