I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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