i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
