my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
