i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?