He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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