Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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