WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
