Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
