member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
