Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
