Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
