just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
