Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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