My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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