Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
