Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
