I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
