my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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