Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
