She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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